Well it has been a while....but I am still putting around.
It has been a year since my world came crashing down, but now a year later, I can finally look back, and talk about it. July 2010 was not a good one. I began the month with high hopes of a great summer, time with my three beautiful children, and some good times with my husband, one last summer as a family of 5. All of that came crashing round my ears when on July 9th I began having a miscarriage. My hopes and dreams of having "one more" were slowly beginning there downward spiral. A hasty trip to the ER confirm the worse, I was indeed having a miscarriage, but with the added bonus of growths they could not explain, and a pregnancy sac that was not presenting properly (even for a miscarriage). Emergency D&C was ordered, they needed to remove all material and then begin testing to figure out what was going on. The results were not good. The first ones coming back inconclusive, the next ones coming back with traces of cancerous material. Ultrasounds to confirm they had removed all the material. Blood tests to test for cancer flags. More ultrasounds when they detected new growths on my ovaries and I wouldn't stop hemorrhaging. I had so many blood tests and ultrasounds, an MRI, I was beginning to wonder if it all would every home to an end. Then in August 2011 I finally got the all clear, all my bloodwork was finally clear, all my tests came back negative for cancer, and new growths. But it left the resounding question, how did all the treatment affect my ability to have another baby? It was take several more months before I can even test that theory, husband is away for work till mid-October.
Miscarriage is such a hard thing. People don't want to talk to you, or talk about it. When you really need someone, everyone seems to be too busy, or they would rather talk about something else. But talking about it, is what helps some of us heal. It is what allows us to move on. Some people are able to move on quickly, within months getting pregnant again. But some people, like myself' are not allowed or not able to get pregnant again quickly after a miscarriage. From where I was, to talk to someone would have been extremely helpful, to feel like I was not alone. I encourage you to break the silence, talk about it. IF you have suffered a miscarriage you are not alone, if your friend has suffered a miscarriage be there, talk to her, let her talk about it when she is ready, be there for her, sometimes a person to hold your hand is the only thing you have to hold onto.
Cancer. The type of cancer I had, they don't treat, they just monitor it, a lot. If they see too much growth or bleeding then they start doing surgery, if they can't get it with surgery, then they start radiation. Usually chemotherapy is the last line. I was lucky. They haven't had to do surgery, yet. Although I am "all clear" now, they will continue to have to monitor me, for the rest of my life. I am now a high risk for ovarian & uterine cancer and at risk for tubal cancer. Scary thought really, but I wont stop living. I have three beautiful children that I will love completely and will try to enjoy each day with them. I have a loving husband that supports me unconditionally. Really it is more about enjoying what you have, and remembering to be lucky for what we have. Great friendships, stronger then any family I could dream of, wonderful family to surround me everyday.
I am lucky.
When daddy is away, and all your brothers go to school, and your left home...with mom...but all the same...so the little princess decided to be dressed like one....AND you have chocolate waffles for breakfast. :)
